AND SO WE ZERG RUSH, IN THE NAME OF THE LORD

The Christians have done it again. They've gone a step creepier.

While perusing NoGodBlog, the blog for Atheists.org, I noticed a link to a Nation article. I get The Nation at home, and wondered why this particular article had slipped through the cracks. Rather than hunt down the magazine for its article, I did what any lazy netizen would and followed the link. The story, entitled "Red-Diaper Babies," detailed a new movement among evangelicals called the Quiverfull movement.

While it's nothing new that traditional christian doctrine is explicitly counter-feminist, this particular version of the "restore the role of head of household to the men" rhetoric added something new: an exhortation to women, "Have as many children as you possibly can!" The movement idolizes women who raise more than six kids, and the article mentions women who have eight, ten, thirteen children.

Again, nothing new; Christians have been anti-contraceptive since the Pill became widespread, and it's not uncommon to see Christian families who have many many kids. When our nighbors, the Clancys, moved in down the street from us, they had two children. It's been 10+ years, they have five kids, and will soon be moving into a bigger house.

What I read next was what freaked me out. The reason for all this breeding? To vastly increase the Christian population to create an army of Christian Soldiers. The movement's name, Quiverfull, comes from Psalm 127: "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate."

And then my geek senses kicked in.

I'm not sure who reads this blog besides my brother, so an explanation is probably in order. In the massively popular computer game Starcraft, there is an alien race known as the Zerg. They are a voracious swarm of insectoid aliens, all of whom are controlled by a single entity, the Overmind. The Overmind drives the Zerg to find new species to assimilate and to increase their numbers. A person playing as the Zerg plays best by building in numbers. You may not have the advantage of weapons, but your numbers are unmatched. This strategy is epitomized in the most basic unit, the Zergling. For a minor expenditure of minerals, you get two of them. They can be spawned early, quickly, and in vast numbers. It's so effective, that, to play against a Zerg player, and not plan for the Zergling Rush, is tantmount to suicide.

Let's just quickly compare:

ZERG: Their minds are not their own. They are controlled by the Overmind.
QUIVERFULLS: Their bodies are not their own. Their reproduction is dictated by God.

ZERG: Can spawn as many as 400 zerglings on a single map (difficult, but possible).
QUIVERFULLS: If 8 million evangelicals have 6 children or more each, estimates say, there will be 550 million of them within a century, "assuming Christ does not return before then." (Riiiiight.)

ZERG: Instinct drives them to take over the known universe.
QUIVERFULLS: Jesus drives them to take over the known universe.

ZERG: "If ever your flesh should fail, that flesh shall be made anew." --The Overmind, Original Zerg Campaign, Mission 2, "Egression"
QUIVERFULLS: "Our bodies are meant to be a living sacrifice." --Rick and Jan Hess, A Full Quiver: Family Planning and the Lordship of Christ

ZERG: Took over the planets Char and Tarsonis, and ran rampant on Chau Sara, Mar Sara, Antiga Prime, and Shakuras before all four worlds were "cleansed" in various ways. Slaughtered what they could not assimilate.
QUIVERFULLS: We shall see.

And then I imagined Morpheus, from the movie The Matrix, explaining to Neo that all humans are nothing more than glorified batteries for the infernal machine. Except now, Neo was a quiverfull child. And instead of batteries, they were bullets in some Christian war against anything and everything that opposes them. How do you say that to a child? "You are nothing more than a 9mm in God's glorious Uzi."

And then I thought...of Muslim suicide bombers. They could also be thought of as little more than shells in the artillery of GodVsGod. "Kill yourself for the glory of Allah."

And then, strangely enough, my thoughts turned back to Starcraft. Another Zerg tactic is to infect a Command Center, built by the Terran faction, and use it to produce a horde of Infested Terrans, which can commit suicide for a lot of damage, across a small radius.

So, the key point? Christians are only slightly less bloodthirsty than Muslims. Okay, maybe not. I can't write any more. I hope I can actually dispel these thoughts enough to sleep tonight.

CONGRATULATIONS

My high has just ended. My hit of electoral MDMA has faded (lasted longer than I thought!), and now I must comment.

Congratulations to Deval Patrick, the second black governor in the country, and the first Democratic governor of my great blue state of Massachusetts in over 16 years.

Congratulations to newly-elected senators Brown, Cardin, Klobuchar, Casey Jr., Tester, Whitehouse, McCaskill, and Webb.

Congratulations to the woman in the commercials in Tennessee, who may or may not have been responsible for Harold Ford, Jr.'s loss at the hands of senator Bob Corker. (Call me.)

Congratulations to the over two dozen newly-elected Democratic representatives, and the many newly-elected Democratic governors.

Congratulations to Nancy Pelosi, who it seems all but certain will be the first female, and first Italian-American, Speaker of the House. Madam Speaker, don't let us down.

Congratulations to Donald Rumsfeld on your long-awaited retirement.

Congratulations to Robert Gates on your new job. Don't fuck up.

And of course, Congratulations to all who worked towards this fantastic outcome. See you all in 2008. Stay sharp!